The world is still a place where women are expected to be quiet and demure. Grace is defined as a women who is not causing a fuss.
Women are the carers, they care for their partners, their children, their parents. They are expected to take on these roles without complaint, and the implication is always that it is shameful for a woman to put her own needs before the needs of her family.
After decades of neglect of what she needs, a woman quickly forgets how to even articulate those needs, even to herself.
So when the inner rage that comes with middle age overtakes you it can be confusing, shameful and embarrassing, an indication to the world that you are no longer in control, that society is right to shun your behaviour.
But once the burning cheeks and guilt subside, a question to be asked gently and with love is, was there any justification for the anger or the rage?
Often, and quite surprisingly, the anger and the rage can be entirely justified. Perhaps not in the context of the situation that it arose, but often if we, as women, take a moment to stop berating ourselves for the shame we feel at losing control and instead get to the core of why we feel the way we feel, we may find the sudden expression of anger as not being entirely justified, it was actually long overdue.
Society does not support a woman in this endeavour and trying to get to the root of what is wrong can be a long and lonely path for a woman. When a woman is asked by a doctor, practitioner, or friend about what is wrong, she will often meet the question with a blank stare, she has no baseline for how to respond, does not know what she is feeling, never mind how to describe it to someone else. At most a woman might manage “I just don’t feel like myself” or “I no longer recognise myself”.
I am a huge proponent of society’s support of women in all its forms including the Pill and HRT. But when as a woman in middle age and you find yourself enraged or frustrated and your immediate response is that your medication needs to be checked or adjusted, it is important to give some thought to whether there is a veracity to your underlining feelings that should be recognised, rather than just medicalised into oblivion.
What if the anger is entirely justified? What if the issue is not the anger but your feeling that you are not entitled to express it? That you are now taking up too much space, you have drawn attention to yourself in a way that is unseemly and unacceptable. The flush of anger becomes the flush of embarrassment.
Anytime in life, but particularly in midlife the anger can be completely justified. A relationship that is just going through the motions. A carer roles or roles that are assumed and under appreciated. A tough life transition such as menopause, a yearning for a much needed but seemingly unattainable life reset - change of job, change of life, change of everything.
The fact that these things cause emotions to bubble up and be expressed is entirely natural and healthy, yet it can leave a woman berating herself for her non existent failures.
How to harness the power of rage
Self love - I realise there is probably a rolling of eyes at this basic statement. But no matter who you are, at some point as a woman, you and society are not going to be best friends. At some point you will fall foul of the collective and have to forge your own way. If you are going to be isolated you had better become your own best friend.
Transmute your rage into a passion: Find your passion or cause that you can fuel with your anger. Never underestimate the power of anger. It is an energy unrivalled. If you can manage to harness it to power your passion or cause of choice you will be a force to be reckoned with. And you will feel utterly energised.
Find your own spiritual path: It does not have to based on any religious doctrine but whatever way you have decided to go, cultivating a relationship with a force outside of yourself, the divine, God, Goddess, nature, whatever speaks to you is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself. The ability to hand over your frustrations and grief to something beyond yourself and to let go is just a sublime relief if you can manage it, and it is not always easy. We as humans are beautiful and deeply flawed at the same time, grief is the natural partner to love. To be able to derive your peace from something beyond your relationships including your relationship with yourself which can be the most difficult, is truly fabulous.
Community: Finding genuine, heartfelt, supportive community at midlife is hard, hard, hard. If you have been blessed with it, cherish it with all your heart. If you are searching for it, do not give up, it can be found. One of the best ways to find it is to do the things that truly light up your heart. That is the space where you will find your tribe.
An easy to use and powerful stress reliever. California Poppy is an amazing nervine and one of the best to help soothe anxious minds. Herbal teas are not for everyone and many people prefer a tincture. They are also great to use as an alcohol alternative – just put a few drops under your tongue for stress relief or add to non alcoholic drinks, sparkling water, fruit juices and mocktails.
☕Blue Vervain
Blue vervain is a herbaceous plant native to North America that has been used for centuries to help calm body tension, ease menstrual discomforts, support sleep, and support digestive wellbeing. Traditional use shows blue vervain is particularly beneficial for those dealing with sleep disturbances caused by an overactive mind. The herb has also been used to address tension in the shoulders, neck, and head, making it a go-to herb for those seeking a natural solution for everyday stress and discomfort.
☕California Poppy
Known as the official flower of “The Golden State, California poppy has been traditionally used for pain support, to help induce sleep, and for easing head discomfort caused by stress. Unlike the commonly known opium poppy, California poppy is gentle, non-addictive, and generally safe for stress and pain support.
☕Skullcap
Skullcap has been used for more than 200 years as a mild relaxant and to help with anxiety, nervous tension, and anxiety.
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If you are on medication, pregnant or breastfeeding, please check with your medical practitioner before use.
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